To Trick A General
by Bringer of the Tide
Summary: Sephiroth could do as he pleased because of his stature and the fact that he was so widely feared, but no one ever dared to mess with him. Until one SOLDIER had had enough. Rated T for language/ slightly implied pairings


This is a random oneshot inspired by a very enthralling conversation I had with one of my friends over the phone after both of us had played endless hours of Crisis Core. Enjoy.

* * *

Sephiroth was the all-time master of messing with people's heads. He was religiously picking out Cadets, 3rds, 2nds, and even other 1sts to trick, scare, intimidate, or bully. It was a bad habit, and probably mostly out of boredom. Sephiroth could do as he pleased because of his stature and the fact that he was so widely feared, but no one ever dared to mess with him. Until one SOLDIER had had enough.

* * *

Zack followed Aerith around like a puppy. This made fangirls mad. Two particular fangirls, at least.  
"God damn, I hate that pink bitch..." Neji said, one large black ear twitching. Lupe nodded.  
"Lupe say Sephy should stab." The tall, blue and silver haired lizard-girl agreed.  
"Yeah. That's probably not ever going to happen. I like him, which means he'll die soon. I mean, everyone I like dies! Snape, Toboe, Scar, Itachi..." Neji sighed, shaking her head and taking her glasses off to clean them.  
"Maybe he kill her before he die?" Lupe suggested.  
"Yeah...maybe..." Neji said hopefully, readjusting her glasses. Lupe watched Zack and Aerith with a venomous, angry glare.  
"Me like Zack better gay..." she said, crossing her arms.  
"So do I." Neji said, shoving Aerith through an open window. She grabbed Sephiroth and threw him next to Zack. Zack grinned goofily and clung to him, rubbing his chest. A disturbed look crossed his face, and he immediately shoved Zack away and placed Cloud where he had been standing. "you can stand here!" he said, backing away. Zack squealed and jumped at Cloud, throwing his arms around him. The poor young cadet just looked confused and reluctant. Sephiroth shuddered.  
"Aw, lighten up, Seph!" Zack said, hugging him. Sephiroth yowled and hissed, trying to wriggle away.  
"getitoffgetitoffgetitoff!!" He growled, kicking at Zack, who let go pouting.  
"Aw. Why do you gotta be like that? You let Cid hug you." he pointed out.  
"Cid and I have a...special...relationship." He said defensively, putting his arms around the pilot. Cid started and shoved at him.  
"Let go, idiot! There's people here!"  
"Don't be like that, muffin..." Sephiroth purred, rubbing against him.  
"Don't touch me in public!" Cid yowled, breaking free and stalking off.  
"Grouch..." Sephiroth mumbled, glaring poutily.  
"You're the one being a grouch." Zack said, prodding him. Sephiroth smacked him.  
"Why are you being so mean?!" Zack demanded, rubbing the smacked hand.  
"I hate you." Sephiroth grumbled.  
"You're a douchebag." He said with a slight smirk. Zack's eyes went wide, and he stared at Sephiroth. Cloud looked uncomfortable and got the hell out of there. Sephiroth stared at Zack, the smile fading from his face as the other SOLDIER started to sniffle.  
"Zachary..." He started, lifting a hand.  
"Fine..." Zack whimpered, crying as he ran off. Sephiroth looked annoyed.  
"What an idiot..." He growled, shaking his head.

* * *

A few days later, Sephiroth supposed he should find Zack and apologize, but when he tried to talk to the youth, he squeaked offendedly and ran away. Sephiroth sighed irritatedly and went to find Rufus, who was having a...civil conversation with Scarlet? Quirking a brow, he walked up to him.  
"Rufus, I need your help. Zachary is- Scarlett, you're wearing a suit." He stated.  
"Why yes. Yes I am, Mr. Sephiroth. What about it?" She asked.  
"Uh...nothing..." He said, making a face and turning to Rufus.  
"I need you to help me"  
"Anything you want." Rufus smiled. Sephiroth frowned.  
"What is wrong with you?" He demanded.  
"Why, nothing at all. Why do you ask?" He inquired politely. Twitching, Sephiroth opened one of the windows.  
"Why thank you!" exclaimed Rufus.  
"It was horribly stuffy in here. Awful nice of you to open that. Will you open the one next to it"  
"Go on, Jump." he ordered. Rufus looked surprised.  
"Whatever do you mean?" "Out the window. Go on, jump!" Sephiroth repeated angrily.  
"My father doesn't like me jumping out windows, Sephiroth. It isn't very safe." Rufus chided.  
"Oh, then jump off the building." Rufus' eyes went wide, and he looked taken aback.  
"I could get hurt! Do you want me dead?!" He asked, looking hurt.  
"Never mind! I'll ask someone else for help!" Sephiroth cried, stalking off.  
"That was definitely strange..." he murmured, contemplating what had just taken place. His head snapped up as he spotted Reeve Tuesti, head of Urban Development.  
"Reeve!" he called, scurrying up to him.  
"Yes?" Reeve asked, turning to face him.  
"Rufus isn't himself today, and neither is Zack. Do you possibly know what's going on?" he asked, looking around for more unexplainably strange bahavior. Reeve shrugged. "Nope." he replied.  
"Well, you're no help." Sephiroth snapped irritatedly.  
"Well, then. Don't ask for my help, you ignoramus." Reeve shot back. Sephiroth's lips set in a tight, angry frown.  
"I will hurt you." he threatened. Reeve grinned, an eery, insane glint in his eyes.  
"I'll kill you." he said cheerfully.  
"Ur...bye..." Sephiroth said, backing away, and straight into Reno.  
"Oh, Kool Aid. What is wrong with-" He stopped and stared at Reno, who was neat pressed with slicked back hair and wearing a tie.  
"...Reno...?"  
"Yes, sir?"  
Sephiroth's eyes went wide.  
"ShinRa has gone insane!" he cried, scurrying away. He fled to the elevator, deciding to try a different floor. Stepping out of the elevator, he came face to face with Rude, possibly the most sensible and sane person who worked in the ShinRa building.  
"Have you seen Reno today?" he asked. Rude quirked a brow.  
"...well?" Sephiroth asked, crossing his arms.  
"Why don't you shut the fuck up before I shoot you in the face?" Rude growled, glaring wrathfully from behind his glasses. Sephiroth winced and raised his hands, backing away.  
"I have to find out what's going on here...aha! Cloud!" he exclaimed, scuttling over to the young cadet. He immediately regretted it however, because the usually amiable chocobo headed teen was now yelling crossly at a group of other cadets.  
"Erm, Cloud?" he asked timidly. (Which is scary for Sephiroth, in and of itself)  
"What do you want?!" Cloud snapped irritatedly, turning squarely to face him.  
"Uh...nothing?" it was more a question than an answer.  
"Then stop bothering me!" Sephiroth yelped and skittered off like a wounded dog. He had to find out just exactly what was going on and why. To do that, he would have to talk to someone who knew things. Someone who was all over the place. He had to talk to-  
"Yuffie! Oh no..." he groaned, shaking his head as she walked up to him, wearing a pink frilly dress.  
"Yes, Sephy?" She asked, cocking her head.  
"Nevermind, get away." Sephiroth growled, stalking off. He soon came upon Barret, Hojo, Vincent, and Genesis all standing in a circle.  
"One can only wonder what's wrong with them..." He graoned. Tapping vincent on the shoulder, he asked,  
"Where is Tseng?"  
"He didn't show up for work tod-Sephiroth!" Vincent exclaimed, throwing his arms around him.  
"What?! NO! Get off of me!!" he shouted, shoving him away. Genesis slapped Vincent. "Bitch! Get away from him! He belongs to me"  
"Yeah right! Step off!" Vincent growled, punching him in the face. Sephiroth groaned frustratedly as the two got into a nasty catfight over him. Hojo had meanwhile sidled up to him.  
"Hello, son."  
"Don't. TOUCH. Me." Sephiroth growled, inching away.  
"What's the matter, do you not love me?"  
"No, I do not!" Sephiroth shouted.  
"I'll tell you what, I love ShinRa." Barret chimed in randomly. Sephiroth stared.  
"Oh my god. You two go have sex somewhere and leave ME out of it! You, stay away from me! and YOU stop saying things that just aren't true!" he hurriedly rushed away from them, searching for at least one sane person. While searching for said sane person, he came across his children. Loz was shouting at Yazoo protecting Kadaj, who was whimpering and clinging to him, and Yazoo was yelling angrily at both.  
"Oh god...I need to talk to...TIFA!! TIFA!!" running down the halls at top speed, he finally spotted her. "Tifa, the world is crazy!" he cried, grabbing her by the shoulders. She slapped him across the face, frowning crossly.  
"Get away from me!"  
"They got you too!" he cried, then,  
"...ow..." he placed a hand over where she had hit him.  
"Go away before I stab you!" she threatened, shaking her fist.  
"Fine!" Sephiroth squeaked, scurrying away. He ran into Elena's office, slamming the door behind him.  
"ShinRa is crazy!" he cried, throwing his arms in the air. She stared at him.  
"Are you okay?" he asked. Elena did not speak. "Noooo!! They got you too!" he fled form the office, taking the elevator to another floor in hopes that maybe it would contain saner people. He ran up to Cid, throwing his arms around him.  
"Cid! Did they get you too?!"  
"Did who get me?" The pilot asked, returning his hug.  
"ShinRa is crazy! No one is acting themselves! Rufus is polite, Scarlet is wearing decent clothing, Reno is dressed nicely, and Rude and Reeve want to kill me! Everyone is crazy! I liked it better when I was the only crazy one!!" He said, clutching his head in his hands. Cid quirked a brow at him.  
"Well, maybe you're crazy and the rest of the world IS sane." he suggested.  
"That isn't-" Sephiroth stopped abruptly, staring at Cid with stone cold panick in his eyes.  
"What?" Cid asked, crossing his arms.  
"You don't have a cigarrette anywhere on your visible presence." he accused, pointing at him. Cid frowned.  
"Smoking is bad for your health. Causes cancer, genious." he said, shaking his head.  
"What is wrong with this place?!" Sephiroth yowled, glancing around quickly. He had to fix this. he HAD to find Zack. Darting off, he searched half of the building for the teen. Skidding to a halt in front of him, he panted heavily and stared at him. Zack looked up at him, seemingly innocent.  
"Zachary." Sephiroth coughed, chest heaving.  
"Yes?" Zack asked, staring patiently. Sephiroth let out a long breath, slowly, reluctantly spreading his arms apart.  
"I am sorry for being..."  
"An ass?" Zack asked helpfully.  
"Yes. An ass." Zack contemplated for a moment, then jumped into the offered hug. Sephiroth sighed a bit, patting his head. The teen smirked, whistling loudly. Sephiroth quirked a brow as everyone he had encountered that day filed into the room. Zack turned to them, grinning hugely.  
"You can all stop now." he said. a collective sigh sounded throughout the room. Sephiroth watched in horror and deep, violent annoyance as Tifa and Cloud started talikng animatedly, Rude pushed his glasses up his nose and straightened his posture, and Reno swore and ademantly began trying to fix his hair, tearing off his tie and mussing his clothing. Cid let out a grunt and lit a cigarette, taking a long sigh as Barret said something about washing his mouth out with soap. Yuffie quickly ridded herself of the pink dress, usual attire underneath. Genesis and Vincent glared at Sephiroth stalking off in different directions. Yazoo hugged Loz and Kadaj kicked him, causing the eldest to yelp and whimper. Hojo followed Genesis out, and Elena joined Cloud and Tifa's conversation. Tseng tore into the room and was grabbed by Reeve.  
"I don't have the time to fool around right now, Reeve!" he said, squirming to get his work done. Reeve grumbled and let him go, looking hurt. Sephiroth's eye twitched and he gave Zack an evil glare.  
"ZACHARY." he growled. Zack's grin got bigger.  
"Rufus just jumped out the wondow!" Sephiroth swore and jumped out after him. A few moments later he flew back in and dropped him on his butt, slamming and locking the window. Rufus erupted in a fit of giggles, getting up and trouncing away. Zack's mischievous purple eyes connected with wrathful, hate filled emerald ones.  
"You are going to die." The room fell silent for a moment, then the raven haired menace sped off, the violence prone general tearing after him.


End file.
